Forbidden by choice

feeling broken again. Am i selfish for not wanting you to flirt with other people or is it just her. Everything her way. SHE wants to go for a walk, SHES not ready to go home, SHE wants fucking tequila which I can never spell right and I hate the taste of anyway! My best friend doesnt tell me everything, my other one doesnt even talk to me, i could be breaking away and no one would even know. I’m done reaching out. Its exhausting being on the outside.

Its been a while. I dont yern for him anymore. It still hurts looking back of course but as of now im ok. I was a fool to think that seeing him everyday and pretending would make these feeling go away. In fact all I needed was some time away. Everyday is a battle to better myself. To be the perfect me. Sometimes you need to hit your lowest low before your ready to pick yourself up again. version 2.0 will be the best me ever! More loving and respectful. Kevin will be 100% mine and ill be 110% his. After all, he is the reason I see myself the way I do <3

I think I’ve moved on to a point where Im ready to grow up. Jarrods whole house situation made me realize that my pride was one of my greatest downfalls. I was so willing to prove that I was strong enough to handle the break up that I compleatly shut down. Now that I realize that Im ready to move on. I love Kevin more then I ever thought I would.  Move then I ever thought I could and it has taken a lot for me to get to this place. Im truly happy with him and I can imagine being anywhere or with anyone else. Ill take this heart filled long distance relationship over any kind of close by fling any day.

Its been a few days since the ex detox and I must say I feel great. It’s not like those other times where I SAY I’m 100% over him and then the next day hate that I still love him. Don’t get me wrong I will always love him. Why? I don’t think I’ll ever know but it will always be there. However I can say I feel closer to my boyfriend now then I ever have because I know mentally I no longer want to think about any other guy but him. I don’t wonder what It would be like to be back with my ex or to see him. Honestly if I could have it my way, I wouldn’t see him ever again. Part of the reason why I can not WAIT to move away from him and his family who I have to see almost every day. I think My talk with Lex also helped. I understand more what it’s like on her end. She’s in the same boat as me, well she’s in my old boat. From what I gather, she could love him if he were more straight forward with his feelings ( which he never will be).  The thing is, I have to wonder… Is all his efforts to string her along a ploy to mess with me or does he enjoy just messing with girls. Part of be believes that I was special enough to him to deserve 2 years or harassment  but then again I realized something a long time ago. He likes things to be easy, if its too much work he wont go for it. Also he likes to be sneaky. I think that’s part of the reason why we happened in the first place. The first night we kissed. he took advantage that i was upset, I wanted change in my current relationship and I wanted excitement. He comes off as a super supportive friend and thing takes a quick step over that boundary. Now that time has passed I don’t fully remember all the details of how we went on from that first kiss to a week or so later where I broke it of with Jarrod and we had turning point. I know after that beach day we became unstoppable . I wish I could remember what was going on in my head at that very moment when he first kissed me. Obviously it wasn’t Jarrod. I’m not sure when but I think soon I will tell Kevin my whole back story. I feel like he should know…and It’s possible that its part of the reason I’m still holding on. I know Kev isn’t my rebound. That was Josh and I am sure of that! He’s different. I can slowly feel the power shift moving. At first I know he liked me more then I liked him but as we moved with our relationship I slowly started falling for everything he did. It was so different then what I had been used to. He was so new to everything ( and yes I mean EVERYTHING). However he really showed me what it was like to love and be loved. never once has he given me reason to not believe him. He is kind and gentle heart-ed. So dorky but cute and the same time. I don’t have to wonder with him. I want to give him the world because he is just that great of a person. Anyone who hurts him  ( including myself)  will never be forgiven.

As far as I am concerned. You are no longer apart of my life!

1 text sent our group from “were all good” to “OMG he/she said what?” 

     Ive held my tongue for too long now and Im tired of it. I feel like your drifting away from the group, and theres a reason for that. your not reaching out to anyone except for ____. Im trying to keep civil with you but its very hard when you outwardly flirt with one of my friends. So as of now im cutting ties with you. Dramatic as this seems I dont care anymore.

This one text changed everything.I get criticized for not speaking my mind and when I do after almost 3 years I get yelled at! I’m always in the wrong and its all your fault. I don’t trust anymore around me to take care of my feeling so I keep them locked up inside of me. My own boyfriend doesn’t even know half the time I’m hurting because you broke me down so badly. I’m still healing after all this time, slowly but still healing. Till one day I can say that I DON’T love you and I DON’T have feelings. Now as a result of this all I have to go out and explain myself. I have to talk to her, I have to tell her everything and open up. I want her to see the tears you cause me and the pain. Maybe then she’ll see just how broken I am

Where to even begin… well I asked you if WE were ok? Idk what I wanted you to say but i was in high hopes it would be something. something i could get mad at you for. I walked for 2 hours to get away from you… yeah and then you go to the one place I dont want you. I wanted her to myself. instead you spend the whole night glued to her right arm. She is one of my best friends! The fact that you had your arm around her and made it CLEAR that it was around her killed me. I dont want to have to keep playing games with you. I’m near my breaking point and I dont know how much more I can take. Were not friends, were not more, OH and to top it off you and the mini pig are splits. But still friends. DOUBT THAT! Idk what to make of things anymore. Just go back to school where I dont have to see you. Im sick of pretending I am happy near you. I hate being near you. You make me awkward and shy and not in a good way. I feel like you dont know me and Im not willing to let you. Just please either let me go or stay away. i cant take this anymore… Ive tried and Im tired of trying, its your turn to try to make things work. if not then Im just a person you used to know.

I went to your school today, you avoided us. Most likely because of me. I don’t understand how after all we’ve been through I sill have a better relationship with HIM then you. Do you hate me that much ? I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I just want to get to a point where It doesn’t  hurt to think about you. I still don’t know how i feel about you, its been over 2 years. We say we talked and said all there is to say but its completed bull. Sometimes I feel like we both know were each others soul mates but were not meant to be…

Please just let this all be my imagination!

Tonight I will keep calm and watch